Proverbs 17:9
He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.

Proverbs 17:14
Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam; so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out.

All does not feel well with my soul today. I am frustrated, hurting, and feeling like I'm right back there in India, in the midst of a dysfunctional team. Last night we had our team debrief. We were asked to share highs, lows and get anything left unsaid out in the open; specifically any grievances against a team member or RH. I didn't want to bring things up with Chris in front of the whole team, but we were being asked to and I figured it would be dishonest to not say anything. The response from he and Lizzi just pissed me off. I am SO DONE with the team. I am glad to be back, glad to not be living with them anymore, and glad to have the choice of whether I want to see them and be in relationship with them or not. And I choose not. I hate the entitlement that comes with Orange County influenced shit-heads. I hate the desire to pull the positive out of everything so that we can look back and say "yeah, that was great" when it wasn't - it sucked ass. Yes there were great things that happened; lets celebrate those, but why do we want to be able to wrap it all up in a box with a bow wrapped around it? Why can't we call something shitty out as being shitty? Shit in a gift wrapped box is still shit. No wonder non Christians are put off by Christians - we desire the inauthentic, we can't accept that the world is not a good place so we become excellent pretenders.

I myself feel on the verge of becoming self centered, judgmental, and unloving.

God, save me from myself. Protect Taylor and I from the spirit of bitterness that is threatening to take root in us. Help us to see others as better than ourselves and to not simply build walls against those that hurt us. 

One Single Key

I remember preparing for India and packing up all our things. I remember the sorrow as I folded each piece of clothing, packed away each book and removed each picture from the walls of our first apartment together. I remember mourning the end of that stage of our life. Tears surprised me as they ran down my face; tears at letting go of our material possessions and the sense of security that they provided - however false that sense may have been. There is a certain comfort in being surrounded by things that you own - things that are yours, that you choose, that show a little piece of who you are.

We moved our entire apartment into a single car space in my in-laws garage, with our bedroom fully setup in their empty guest room. We cleaned our little apartment top to bottom, led our landlady through an examination of each room, handed over the keys and promised to lock up after a few last minute things (the most amazing sex ever on the floor of each empty room.)

The moment most poignant as I left work was when I began to remove all the keys from my key ring. I was surprised at the validation that those keys gave me. As I looked at them loose on my desk I suddenly felt empty and unimportant. I wondered which of my work friends would continue to be my friends when I no longer sat just an office away. I wondered which of my volunteers would still stop for a conversation on a Sunday afternoon before rushing off to their important meetings. I held onto those keys until the last second possible.

And then there was my car. With only a few weeks before departing for India, our car had some major problems. We made a quick decision to sell it so that we didn't have to worry about repair costs, and we could pay it off - saving the monthly payments. We handed the keys over and walked away.

Today we are back in Orange County. I don't know what is next. I don't know if we are staying here, or if we are leaving again anytime soon. Taylor jumped straight back into work; and me.... I am looking at days ahead with no set structure or purpose. As I cleaned the guest room at Palmyra (where we are staying rent free for the next six weeks), unpacked our luggage, and made a little spot we can call home; I had glimpses of what it feels like to be a stay at home wife, or unemployed. I didn't hate it.
Without a car, I walked to the grocery store about half a mile away. I bought enough for dinner tonight and breakfast tomorrow. I pulled my little wallet out of my back pocket. It contained my debit card, credit card, drivers license and one single key - a key to a home that is temporary. I felt a sense of simplicity. My heart was torn - I love the simplicity, I love the lack of anxiety, but I long to be important. I long to be important in my own eyes and in the eyes of others.